Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
