My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
