I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
did i just pee glitter
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
