just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
