She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
