A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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