I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
