fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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