Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
