I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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