...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
