Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
