We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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