I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
