My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
