my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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