If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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