So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
