it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I came so hard my ears popped.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
