Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
