this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
