Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
