Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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