He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
