im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
