Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
