idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He has the fingertips of a God
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
