His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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