When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
