As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
