toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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