Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
