I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
