i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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