The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
