So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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