I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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