Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
