Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
