Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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