Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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