It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
