So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
