it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
