Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Randomize
