i already hear my dad disowning me
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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