i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
