he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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