I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
