That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
