thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
you made out with another girl for some wings
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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