had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
