i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
