dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Randomize