just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
