Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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