Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
