hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
