Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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