I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
